diannahatesyou's Xanga

where the wild things are.

Fri, 13 Nov 2009 03:25:56 GMT

i spent what little money i had on shoes. how outrageously girly of me.

i love glee. the show.
as opposed to...the club our school does not have.

my mum had a dream that i went to prom with robert pattinson. hahaha.
as if id ever go to prom.

you know whats awesome? the fact that every time i type something into my ipod that starts with a g it auto-corrects it to gryffindor.

the world cannot handle me.

today sucks. it feels like a sunday. tons of hw to do, and nothing on tv to distract me. law and order is so boring.

craaaving a peanut butter thing.

im a bitchy psycho and everyone should stay away from me. but dont.
please?

you get points for bravery, sweetheart. otherwise...you have zero points.

amy said ryro and i would make a cute couple because we both have brown hair. which is a terrible basis for a relationship. and she said his apparent sweetness would balance out my craziness and cruelty.
which made me dislike her a teeny bit less.

i love the word vindictive. i am very vindictive.

i think we have reached the age where i should be able to say hi to you after years of noncommunication without it being awkward.

why is it that sometimes, collegeboard remembers that they have provided me with free score reports, and most of the time they forget?

after i visit brown this weekend, im totally going to write some college essays.
totally.

where can i find an absinthe around here? alissa, i think theyre still legal in england. buy me one?
ps your comments are fantastic self-esteem boosts. especially since my friends have been decidedly lacking in that category this year.

you know what else is a fantastic self-esteem boost? reading teacher recs.
goldens and goyettes are so sweet. basically, im the most amazing student theyve ever encountered. =)

i always end up on obcene sites when i do that thing where i type random words and add .com.
btw if you search love on love.com, the first link you find will concern the stars of the twilight films. what has the world come to?

someday, someone will have the heart to tell you that you have no talent for any of the careers you hope to pursue. when i think of you, i think of the phrase 'those who can, do. those who cant, teach.'

it sucks that i didnt apply early anywhere. my q1 report card is kickass.

our rules of romance in lit were interesting to write. i wanna write some that are specific to me.

dianna's rules&regulations of modern love.
*i know i am unapproachable. you need to be brave.
1. buy me snapple.
2. accept my obsessions, please.
3. hold my hand.
4. dont say i told you so.
5. i love arguing. be okay with this.
6. love my curly hair and glasses.
7. never expect me to make the first move.
8. text me good nite and good morning.
9. never, ever, ever cheat. ever.
10. dont be bothered by the fact that i cant say i love you.
11. never criticize how i look, what im wearing, or how i did my hair.
12. save me when im being awkward.
13. dont call me mean, even when im being really mean.
14. be optimistic in the face of my pessimism.
15. dont let my secrecy or my mood swings get to you.

lit is one of my favorite classes, but i feel very isolated from everyone else. everyone was talking about how the class has become a family, but i definitely do not feel like part of that family.
i have a few friends in there, and i can carry a conversation with anyone in class. but during socializing time, im the only kid standing by herself.
its not a big deal. solitude is my style.
i just kinda hope that it gets better eventually. that i get better eventually.

it sucks trying to make friends at this age. when youre little, you can just be like, hey, can i borrow your red crayon? and then bam, best friends.
but when youve developed a cold, solitary reputation, any attempt at random conversation is awkward and received with apprehension.

it doesnt help that everyone thats ever known me thinks im crazy.
but its not a bad kind of crazy, i dont think.

damn these wild young hearts.

oh, goyette.

the open road.

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 18:10:14 GMT

you know what sucks? when you go to click your pen into action and its one of those stupid twisty-bottom pens.

i see a lot of myself in michaela fascione. thats depressing.

screw calc. i hate math, okay mr lord? no amount of string theory or rocketships or matching socks will ever make me like your class. or even keep me awake.

i actually like having my picture taken. i just hate that it always comes out bad.

i hate that i always look tired. i hate how i dress. i hate how self-destructive i am. i hate how awkward and out of place i feel even around my best friends.

i havent written in agesssssss. i misssssss it.

none of my interactions bring any happiness into my life. its not a matter of me being antisocial. its a matter of everyone sucking.

im so angry right now. livid.

in that gloomy mood again, but this time, im not gonna cry.
im gonna let the rage build up inside of me and deal with it alone because god knows i cant count on anyone.
i can literally feel it burning in my stomach and shortening my lifespan.

so im gonna smile through clenched teeth and get a b on my ap lit test on thurs and bomb my sats on saturday.
fuck.

i dont like swearing.

i hate hate hate being a teenager but i have to say.
i need a goddamn car.
not want. neeeeeeed.
do i ever go out? do i even like to drive?
no. i need to go to/from school because no one can/wants to give me a ride and im not waiting til 4 for you to come pick me up, mum/dad and ive skipped tons of meetings cuz of this.
i dont like bothering melissa and i am sick of my dad yelling at me to get up earlier and its annoying having to sprint to cenzie's car every afternoon.

next time my dad leaves without me, im just not going to school.
i hate it there anyway.
i wonder if anyone with grades as high as mine has ever hated school as much as i do.

i need a job.
im not saying this in that 'oh, i need a job one of these days, some money would be nice' way.
they say if i can pay the insurance theyll buy me a car.
that prolly wont be black, even though thats the only thing i care about.
i cant. i just cant work. i cant do anything. i cant interact with people and i cant focus long enough to count anything and i just refuse to work at market basket.

my mom is sick and i hate having to drive everyone everywhere and answer the phone and do everything and listen to her be upset that im livid.

i know its futile and stupid to wanna stay in the past. but i was so happy then!
in 1997, before school ruined my life and my biggest problem was the fact that danny always beat me when we raced, i didnt even know what depression was.
when toys r us was my favorite store and just the theme song for that show 'are you afraid of the dark?' kept me up at night.
i wanna be five and pretty and watch rocket power with danny and david forever and ever and ever and i would not regret losing my future one bit.

i dont regret anything.

im supposed to be researching allosteric enzymatic inhibition right now.

_________________________

i wrote all that on monday or tuesday. i forget which.

pretend these are two seperate entries.

remember, remember
the fifth of november
the gunpowder, treason, and plot.
i can think of no reason
why the gunpowder treason
should ever be forgot!

im in a bad-writer mood fyi.

psssst. youre very attractive and charming. but im sure you knew that.

immmmmm hermioneeeeee graaaaaaaaanger.

please please please please please please please anyone but you.

could you be any more obvious?
i thought that today. at you. and now that sk8rgrl song is stuck in my head.

do you listen to matt&kim? you should.

400 words short of a reaction paper rawr.

facebook says my most frequently used word is hate. surprise, surprise.

alissaaa take me to england. i hate this place.

maybe two or three times a year, i look in the mirror and dont hate what i see.
i think hey, im kinda pretty. sort of. if the light is dim and you tilt your head...

but even if im not. i dont wanna have to settle.
im such a passionate person. such a romantic. i just cant see myself with someone without at least a hint of a spark. a glint of attraction. i cant really see myself with anyone, actually ~~(LIES)~~.
bri says you have to learn to like people. and i agree.
but that is how you make friends. not boyfriends.
unless its one of those taylor swift/crappy romantic comedy situations that never happen, where you wake up and realize youre in love with your best friend.

dont i deserve to be with someone im attracted to, at the very least?

maybe i dont. maybe i just have to make a few guy friends, and if one of those guy friends decide to propose, i should marry him and live the american reality of a sparkless relationship with a really nice dude i cant hope to leave.

one of the little episodes i play out in my head when im sitting in the cafeteria watching sportscenter, is one where i walk over to that lady with the microphone, take it, and ask, 'who wants to be my boyfriend today?'
as pathetic as that sounds, i wonder what would happen. i mean, this happens in an imaginary school where people take me seriously and actually listen when i speak and everyone is as romantic as me. but really.
ill tell you what happens when i play it out in my head.
nothing. no one moves, the bell rings, and i am lost among a crowd of teenagers (cant you picture it?).

i have no idea how i appear to others. i double take at girls i normally wouldnt notice, and think, am i invisible like her? i see okay-looking girls and wonder if im like that. nothing to stare at, but not repulsive. or like those kids you just dont see as the dating type. i guess im not the dating type. but that is a consequence of various factors. kinda.

im pretty sure telenovelas have ruined me.

11:12. damn.

ill be your "i was only sixteen".

baltimore-washington international airport.

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 21:17:07 GMT

i dunno what to say.

im so unhappy, all the time. someone make it stop.

i just wanna pause life indefinitely sit against the wall forever.

georgetown was nice. by no means my top school, or anywhere near it.
but i wouldnt hate going there.
id have to change a lot about myself.

johns hopkins is lovely. but it is not a castle.

hogwarts is unrealistic. (i dont mean the magic, moron.)
theres no way kids could have that much school spirit or abide by the dress code so religiously.
there will always be the emo kid who whines about how magic is stupid and the jerk who loses house points on purpose and the girl with blue hair who refuses to wear the uniform.

i wonder if voldemort was a fan of quidditch.
tom riddle in the chamber of secrets was so much more attractive than kid who played him in half-blood prince.
it bothers me a crazy lot that they didnt give dan radcliffe green contacts.

ive felt the spark with three schools.
one, i know is perfect. i would literally do anything to go there.
but i know i cant.
ive avoided visiting because i dont want to fall in love and then have my dreams shattered, which they will be, but maybe not having been inside the campus will lessen the pain?

i wonder if maybe im not cut out to be a city girl.

ross is so funny.
"i wish i went to a private high school, dianna."
"me too, ross."
"next time, then."

i wanna surround myself with people who make me smile.
i wanna believe in god.
i ~~wanna~~ need to be productive.

i wonder if all my elementary school adversaries still hate me.

i wish i could just get a job as some attractive ceo's overpaid receptionist. that would be my dream job.
well, actually, my dream job would be editor of the new yorker. or a well-known author.
lets not get into this again.

i was reading angels&demons at the same time i was reading the northwest passage. the protagonists were robert langdon and langdon towne, respectively. it got confusing.

what a jerk, that mark twain. he reminds me of family guy. nothing and no one is safe from his witty criticism. which is hilarious until he insults something you believe in.

"in matters of opinion, all adversaries are insane."

hey, lets maybe start a college app.
or not. forget i said anything.

im in that can-anybody-find-me-somebody-to-love mood.

stupid, stupid, stupid romantic.

my head hurts.

i belong in the seventies.
not just cuz of my lingo, my style, my desire to do...things.
its the mindset, the second lost generation, the never-satisified, self-destructive, secretive vagueness.
the affairs and unhappy marriages. its a comfort to imagine that even someone as unstable and unapproachable and unattractive as me could get married, albeit unhappily.

its so weird. i love catching myself doing things that are so incredibly human, so normal. but i also hate it. i hate being human more than anything in the world. i pride myself in being different.
being able to relate to someone is both incredibly comforting, and a blow to my ego.

to be clear— i will be as contradictory, hypocritical, and redundant as i wish to be.

ignore me; ive been reading tim o'brien.

tick tock, the clock is turning red.

manhattan.

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 22:16:41 GMT

for someone who never cries, it doesnt seem to take a lot to make me want to cry.
these days especially.

i loved the swings as a kid. i didnt need any friends to swing. i could do it by myself, and think. even now, swinging alone fills me with a fluttery euphoria i cant get anywhere else.

in kindergarten, i hated taking turns on the swings because that meant kids would nag me while i was trying to think and pretend that the only thing that existed was the sky. sometimes i had to nag kids for a turn. i always asked tom, because he was tall and blond and sweet and i kindergarten-loved him. if you look at my kindergarten picture, im sitting next to alex larosa because i guess we were friends then, and im looking at him suspiciously with that skeptical look i always have. kindergarten is a blur to me now. all i remember are tom and alex and the class hamster and miss danielle and "walk dont run youll have more fun" and learning weird english words like tattletale and the swings.

when i was a first grader, sarah raye was my best friend. we spent all our time together, played together after school, and mailed each other letters on a weekly basis. one day, she stayed home sick, so i walked around the playground alone, very confused. some other kid sat on the swing i usually reserved for sarah and teased me about liking alex larosa, even though at the time i was in first-grade love with andrew horlacher.

by fourth grade, i had a reputation. i was the smartest girl in class and the smallest girl in class. i stole every solo away from the other girls in chorus. i was the best at drawing. whenever there was a project to do, everyone lined up at my desk so i could do their bubble letters. i had more enemies than any other fourth-grader, and looking back, i dealt with more drama than most. i loved it, craved it, created it, even if it meant teasing and ruined friendships and insults that would stay with me forever.

i also had the prettiest hair because my mum spent painful hours doing it every morning, and i never dared to mess it up. ive always been very careful with my hair. it was atrocious in middle school because based on my peers' boring ponytails, i assumed it was time i learned to do my hair myself. i could do ponytails and messy buns, and spent hours blow-drying and straightening like everyone else so it would be boring and flat like everyone elses. then one olympics day in 8th grade i got fed up with greasy, burnt, flattened teenage hair and left it soaking wet, and everyone was all "dianna your hair is so pretty!"

narcissist narcissist narcissist. i dont really mind anymore. everyones a narcissist.

i should not be on my own with this college thing. deadlines obviously mean nothing to me, ive written an amazing total of 1 college essay that i have little intention of passing in, and im picking schools based on how i would sound saying "oh, i go to ________" and their resemblance to hogwarts.
the rents arent worried because theyve decided im pretty much on my own money-wise, and my guidance counselor goes from thinking my sat scores are less than impressive to insisting columbia university is a safety school for me.

for some reason i cannot fathom, jamie klufts is the only girl i talk to about college stuff.

i was sitting by the cafe this morning when this "cool" kid strides down the hall (late to class) in skinny jeans and an obscure band tee even though it was freezing this morning, flips his cheaply dyed black hair, and gives me a look before continuing down the hall with his music blaring.
i literally laughed out loud at the effort he put in to fit into the stereotype.

im kind of a music snob. i generally look down on others' tastes in music and keep mine to myself. but i feel like that goes along with my secretive nature more than anything else.

every time i walk into bio or calc i brace myself.
please, for the love of god, dont let him teach today!
and then he teaches the hell out of me.

sitting in front of nick gallo is annoying because you know when the kid behind you stretches out his legs and you dont know where to put your legs so you can avoid the awkward foot-touching no one acknowledges but you kinda wish they would?
yeah.

i love telling mrs jeans stuff. shes so encouraging. the only thing is that my know-it-all-ness in that class of five people makes me the obnoxious hermione granger of the class.

im so excited about my success in calc so far. i havent done this well in a math class since the 7th grade.

loveee lit. hateeee ms brouses shoes. she needs to stick to her cute boots. i am impressed by her devotion to skirts regardless of the temperature.
i have come to the conclusion that:
josh is not annoying.
alissa is awesome.
chelsie is an incredible writer.
kyle is very insecure.
i am too mean to amy.

i keep wanting to text you, chelsea. or hug you when i see you in the halls. but were not very good friends, and i know how little things can bother you and i dont wanna make you uncomfortable, and what would i say? that youre in my thoughts? you are, but that sounds stupid.

im crazy.

i think ill blow my brains against the ceiling.

far, far away.

Sat, 26 Sep 2009 19:15:02 GMT

i dont how im going to do all this.

im getting better, i think. im trying. its just...very painful for me.

i hate hate hate shots. poor nurses. just as theyre about to stick the needle in i panic and fight them off.
literally.

my ego cannot handle this year.

i feel like every song I've heard by jet was written about me.

i wish i could wear sunglasses in school.

almost every word out of my mouth is a lie.
this is me trying to be honest.

i need you to be cooler.

youre the man. both of you. but when you talk...i stop listening.

i want to confide in you.

would you please just answer yes or no? i cant focus long enough to care about your long-winded explanations.

i like you. youre cool and interesting and i dont care what everyone else says cuz youre one of my fave people to talk to.

your opinion doesnt mean as much to me as it used to.

shut the FUCK up! good god! listening to your voice makes me wanna slit my wrists. srsly.

none of them care for you, and i see why...but i like you.

im really glad you found her.

you need to stop living in the past, babe. life is gonna be hard on you.

stop trying to be like me. trust me, you cannot handle it.

you and i have a lot in common. but i dont like you because well. youre a dork.

you are a good-looking dime-a-dozen asshole. good thing weird kid obscures my view of you in that class.

you are not good enough to get into those schools.

you are too good to go to those schools.

stay away from me. you see through my false modesty too easily and i dont need my lies exposed.

the reasonable part of me is considering the idea that youre smarter than me. the rest of me is banishing away the suggestion indignantly.

i relate to you more than anyone. and im kinda scared your life is going to be my story.

i cant decide whether i mind you or not.

i def like you. but youre so like her i feel like anything i tell you, im telling her.

i wanna dance with you.

i (almost) fooled you all.

dont act like youre better than me or i will hate you forever.

i feel like there are weird moments between us where i decide to be honest with you and you inch away. then you run back, saying 'forget it!' because you like me.

this is getting too personal for my tastes.

you know me better than i thought you did.

you remind me of frederick zoller. if i snap at you, will you shoot me?

i hate your friends.

you looked cuter with your old glasses.

stop complaining that you have no time. you have time.

listen to me when i talk to you!

what would i do without you?

i cant be friends with you in this setting. sorry.

ill never forgive myself for not sticking up for you.

i only tried to be your friend because she was your friend. then i remembered that i generally dislike any of my friends friends. hence my lack of clique.

people like you and not me because you dont hide your antisocial awkwardness behind an evil glare. i have best friends and you only have friends because you hide your true personality from everyone but me.

youre screwed when i leave.

im sorry. im just so tired.

i understand that youre bitter about them. but you need to stop pestering me.

frankly, theyre far more interesting than you.

i feel like im being considered for initiation. part of me wants it.

im not trying to scare you. on second thought, yes i am.

sorry you got stuck with me. thats just how it worked out.

you think im dangerous.

your college essay was flat-out terrible. i dunno what to tell you.

i dont hate you. why not?

youre vastly unhelpful and i wanna do this by myself.

why am i so obnoxious? oh wait, i dont care what you think.

you are crossing the line. i dont wanna be friends with you.

i realize that im a project to you. try to befriend the antisocial girl. dont look at me like that.

your eyes are pretty. i think ive liked you all along and that is not okay.

im rather possessive of you considering youre not mine.

youre adorable. did you know that?

sorry im so awkward and weird. i was trying to be social.

i cant talk to you about any of this.

youre perfect. i want to hug you. get out of my face.

im not gonna bother saying anything to you because you always know when im talking about you.

yeah, maybe im really dependent on others.
but thats better than lacking emotional independence.

right?

kissing, drinking, pushing and shoving.

tralfamadore.

Thu, 03 Sep 2009 20:09:41 GMT

09.09.09.
so what?

senior of the day. whats up.
i didnt care but then everyone was all heyyyy senior of the dayyyyy!!1!

i was talking to mr demers on the first day of school. he said
"yeah, youre not really a science type."
i nodded agreeably, but it felt like he had knocked the wind out of me. i think my eyes widened and i actually semi-gasped.
having your favorite science teacher tell you youre not science-y when you want to major in neuroscience and premedicine can have that effect.
and god, no one gets that! no one!

i hate it when people mix up effect and affect. affect=verb, effect=noun.
mr goyette mixes them up.
i saw mr goyette the other day.

i sit next to the teacher in every class, front row.
i hate sitting in the front because i love the back. i feel less isolated and im not as self-conscious and i can lean back without worrying about covering the-person-behind-me's desk with my hair and i can observe everyone and im more confident in the answers i give the teacher and i dont have to turn around to speak to people in the back.

people that are going to get on my nerves this year:
AMY. (i dont play well with amys.)
the asian kid in my bio class that types his notes.
alan lord. only cuz he teaches me math.
michaela fascione.
naht michelle cuz i never see her =D.
short list. super fantastic.

jill and bri werent at lunch and i wanted to talk to josh or alissa but amyyyy was there and amyyyyy's sooooo annooooooooying so i left.

"love is the irresistable desire to be irresistably desired."
no, it is not. it is the opposite. love is the inhuman feeling you get where you care about someone elses happiness more than your own. its when you realize that for you to be happy, you need that person to be happy.
love is the genuine abandonment of selfishness.

honors calc. lord.
math. rawr.
healthocc 2. jeans.
5 kids + me.
ap lit. brouse/hanover.
=)
ap bio. courtois.
ave: 1 tangent every 7 mins. i counted.

i kinda wanna be awesome this year. do everything.
work gym extra credit after school chorus hosa class council lit mag young dems nhs community service homework read eat sleep.

danny and nicole start college today. im so proud of them.

its weird.
usually at school, i have various different settings.
theres one where im silent and antisocial and want everyone to leave me and my ipod alone.
theres another when im spazzy and weird and that usually only comes out after school.
theres another when im the boring, fidgety girl who doesnt talk and sits alone and reads.
theres the common im-miserable-and-self-conscious-and-i-hate-high-school-and-all-those-who-inhabit-it mode.
my favorite is this one where im the comfortable, confident upperclassman who can say what she wants when she wants to whom she wants. its when im at my most social. this one is very rare and only lasts for a few minutes.
but its been rather common so far.

i know what i want on my vanity plate when i get one.

saw sarah today! shes cool. i wish she was in all my classes.

i love hanging out with just my dad, even if its just to run errands. everyone else in our family is so uptight and neurotic and unbearable. we just chill and chat and i get him to buy me whatever i want.
dad: so college. hows that?
me: not bad. but im not going.
dad: well whatre you gonna do?
me: bartending school.
dad: well howre you gonna pay for bartending school?
me: um. im going to europe.
dad: howre you gonna pay for europe?
me: im gonna rob banks.
dad: really.
me: swiss banks, mainly.

OMG THE BEATLES EDITION ROCK BAND CAME OUT TODAY.

macenze says im immatuuuuuure.

"anyone remotely interesting is mad in some way."

im off to play piano and eat phoenician food.

theres no escape from the chorus of people screaming.

lake of the woods.

Tue, 01 Sep 2009 17:49:55 GMT

im gonna write a war book under some random alias. and everyones gonna love it cuz its written in that deep, disturbing "im gonna describe the indescribable and you wont understand because YOU HAD TO BE THERE but itll sound so epic that youll try, and maybe even convince yourself that you do, but trust me, you dont" way.
and vets and critics everywhere will be like yeah! exactly! brill!!!1!
and then ill reveal myself and be like no. that shit made no sense. you demented geezers.
so it goes.

i wanna take a year off. im 80% sure i wont, but i wannaaaaa.
i wanna watch all the tv and movies ive ever wanted to.
i wanna write write write.
i wanna go somewhere without trees or mountains skewering my horizon. just sky.
i wanna go to london and fake a british accent.
i wanna learn japanese and how to whistle through my fingers.
i wanna meet kishi and kubo and yell at them.
i wanna intern at a fashion magazine.
i wanna beat kingdom hearts i and ii by myself.
i wanna pretend to be a social butterfly.
i wanna go to a bar and try everything.
i wanna make a $2000 hair appointment across the country 6 months in advance and tell the stylist to do whatever he wants.
i wanna fall asleep at the beach.
i wanna sing on city streets for money with danny on guitar, like he said.
i wanna be email buddies with annie, one of the best writers ive come by.
i wanna become amazing at badmitton.
i wanna write a song.
i wanna model for some college photography major.
i wanna hack into the nsa archives.
i wanna make my music video for that white stripes song.
i wanna get a match.com profile and make a stranger fall in love with me, only for me to run away.
i wanna read every postsecret there is.
i wanna spend weeks collecting quotes.
i wanna go on a shopping spree in japan.
i wanna make my own clothes.
i wanna write a page on wikipedia.
i wanna count cards and get almost-married in vegas.
i wanna jump off the swings at the highest point, something ive always been afraid to do.
i wanna verify every fact in dan browns books.
i wanna publish this blog.
i wanna hand strangers mysterious notes about rendez-vous's and missions.
i wanna act like a snob to french people in france.
i wanna found a school exactly like hogwarts (that would take more than a year, but its a dream ive always had.)
i wanna audition for broadway musicals.
i wanna work in a cubicle for weeks and have no one notice i dont actually work there.
i wanna live like the insane, geeky heiress i am on the inside.

my brother just called.
hey dianna, what bus am i on?

i will never say "wow, how high school flew by."
because i recall many days when i sat watching the clock in agony, thinking to myself, if you ever even think about saying that, remember this moment.
high school sucks. thats a fact.
but most of my favorite memories are from high school.
so it evens out.

its an important set of years, i wont deny that.
ive changed more than i ever thought i could.
this year will decide a lot of things for me.

no. this year I will decide a lot of things for me. i need to learn to make decisions. i always ask for opinions or leave it to fate (something i dont believe in) or force others to decide for me. that has to end.

one more year. then everything i do will be my choice, not my parents', or the systems'.
one more year. i dunno if i can make it through with wrists intact, so to speak.

but senior year has to potential to be the best year ever.

lets make this last forever.

las palmas.

Thu, 20 Aug 2009 17:02:09 GMT

if someone were to ask me, what do you like about yourself?
id say, my hair. and my sparkling wit. with a very serious face. because im very serious.

my dentist says i need my wisdom teeth taken out and im terrified. because this isnt one of those problems i can hide from my parents and ive never really been knocked out.

jack has been injured, but im coming to terms with it.

i respect regina spektor. (say that out loud.)
she has a unique, versatile voice and i dont even dare sing any of her songs with anyone around.
her music is so obviously her own. she writes it, plays it, sings it however she wants. you can tell theres no pressure from peers or producers or managers to make it a certain way; people just back off and let her do her thing because she knows better.
i dont like everything she does. when i listen to her songs, theres about a fifty fifty chance ill be like, no regina, why are you singing it weird, those are stupid words and youre just repeating them 545x, the piano part is awkward.
but the stuff i do like is honestly some of the best music and songwriting ive ever heard.

taylor swift and lady gaga should be arrested for making such cheesy pop garbage. so should miley cyrus. that whole cult of bad-teeth tweens should be. except for demi lovato cuz i secretly like a few of her songs.

i hate calling offices and dealing with cranky receptionists. no matter where you work, the last person you want to answer the phone to is a teenager. treat you like a child, but expect you to be an adult. whatever. c'est la vie.

i feel the need to become a shut in so i can actually do my hw before school starts. but its so sunny. and i promised like 4 people wed hang out. and chelsea werent you supposed to straighten my hair? bri told me...
there is no time for anything but term papers and ap bio.

one of my favorite things about colombia is that im very pretty there. not like here, where, despite what may be said, busty girls are the pretty ones.

i hate how diy college is. i want an admissions officer to come to my house and say, im interviewing you. come to my school. i want a line of admissions officers outside my door so i can pick and choose. im not good with...doing things. calling people and looking for things. do you know what i said when i asked teachers for recommendations? i said, how would you like to write me a recommendation?

i wanna go up to goyette in september and just be like. tell me what to be when i grow up. i feel like hed laugh. but i wouldnt and hed stop awkwardly and be like. what? are you serious?

my mum is super into me going to harvard because they called to talk to me. shes been nagging me every day all the time to call and apply and lalala. but shes not listening. because harvard does not offer programs for future bartenders or assassins.

"harvard is pleased to announce that it turned away a record number of valedictorians this year."
i read that in a harvard newsletter last year and every time i think of college i think of that phrase. why would they take me, in the top 5% of my public high school class with a b+ on my transcript and no extracurriculars to speak of?

i am so chill about everything. if you ignore the frequent neurotic breakdowns. i dont care what my sat scores are and i dont care that i have a b+ on my transcript now. i took my tests and i took my classes and i got what i got. i did not get a 2400 and ive gone from a 4.1 to a 4.0, and if harvard and brown think that is not okay, then i will not be going to harvard or brown and the sun will keep shining.

i dont know what i want anymore. i dunno if my voice is good enough to make a career out of it or if im dragging myself out of a career ive always wanted just to disassociate myself with my family or if im going to end up making decisions based on whether i can pay for stuff or not, something ive always said i would not do.

but frozen things, they all unfreeze.

panaca.

Fri, 14 Aug 2009 14:52:52 GMT

so i wrote this long, cool entry and my laptop battery died.
i cant find the charger and im mad that i have to use the dumb computer now, so im not gonna write it again.

lame summary:

im not going to college and i dont wanna be a doctor.

i wanna be a broadway star or a model or an assassin or a villain, but that will probably not happen.

im going to, like every other confused teenager, go to europe to rob swiss banks and then disappear under mysterious circumstances in russia or japan.

i do not want to do my summer hw, and am considering offing myself in order to avoid it.

im sleepy. also, colombia was great. im not tan.

i do not care how your summer has been unless something drastic has happened. like you are now in the witness protection program or on the run.

if nothing lasts forever, what makes love the exception?

honeyduke's.

Tue, 14 Jul 2009 13:19:10 GMT

i am awake at 9 30!
because the british lady called me at 9 30 to tell me no, she cant get me an internship there.
why did every doctor in the city decide this year was the year to make finding internships so goddamn difficult to obtain?
well i give up. im not gonna be a doctor.

ill just be a... stripper. or a receptionist. a receptionist by day, stripper by night, international assassin in the afternoons!

sounds like a plan.

normally id go back to sleep but i havent started packing for the month long trip i leave for tonight.
PROCROSTINATION RAH.

and i need everything done before i go to the harry potter premiere, which yes, i am obviously going to.

so ah-man-dahhh got me the early start i need. which im wasting by writing in here.

cool.

ap hw is making me very sad.

hp is making me very happy. but everything i read makes ron look like the biggest prick in the world, and thats not fair, because hes alrite.
i was always one for harry/hermione. when ron&hermione and harry&ginny got together in the sixth book, i was like wtf? that was the biggest slap in the face a book has ever given me.
other than fred dying and teabings being the bad guy.

a month of awkwardly trying to make conversation with my family. yeahhh. i wanna go but its finally warm here and i have to leave! lame.

i wish i had a pretty enough face to pull off being completely curveless.

my attention span has been shortening to the point i cant maintain a conversation and im worried.

strawberry peanut butter ice cream sounds good in theory. like socialism.

i am so useless. i cant do anything that is necessary for survival. i cant drive or cook or work or interact with people socially or fix my own hair. i am so screwed come next fall. and im sick of people telling me otherwise, because youd think, by now, id be able to do something.

maggie girl of the streets and i both have the same problem.

i thought about you the other day. which is crazy and stupid and weird. but i did, and i felt this little flame of happiness in my chest. not the my-lungs-are-filled-with-helium thing i got with joey, but there was definitely potential. and i can see myself falling in love with you. more than joey, cuz i couldnt really call that love. and i could even see you loving me back, and thered be this whole story. but i dont know you like i used to and im surprised you know me at all. so i wanna stifle this right here, right now.

but just for the record. we couldve been something fantastic.

the red ones let me fly; the blue ones help me fall.