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| Today I wish I didn't exist. Most days.
Hey, maybe the next post I make will be when I'm 20. I'm so fucking old. I hate everything and everyone (except you, love).
In case anyone doubted my spanishness, my full name is Dianna Rodriguez Baena Buitrago Arrollave Martinez Henao Salazar Jiraldo. So that's pretty badass.
I don't know if I could date someone bi. I feel like I'd be the jealous type and that would just drive me crazy.
My brother smokes cigarettes and this worries me more than his missing every other day of school or his suicidal threats.
Oh kill me now. now now now now now now now now now
Say yes to the dress bridesmaids and antm are the only reality shows i enjoy or even tolerate.
Yeah this capitalizing nonsense is bothering me. Xanga is my place of no caps or apostrophes. Boo you iPhone.
Kurt vonnegut's writing makes me happy.
I wish i wasnt so easily influenced.
The faintest prospect of my rents ever splitting up sends me into a raging panic attack.
Your sarcasm has been noted with great irritation. I don't understand why so many people prefer to use sarcasm to make other people feel stupid in a mean way, all. The. Time. Like I do that but to be funny or teasing. Usually.
I've always loved the swings mainly bc it's always been a socially acceptable way to play alone and I have always preferred thinking to interacting.
Idk about you guys. But I can remember very clearly leaving shs on the last day of senior year. And I think that may have been one of if not the happiest day/s of my life.
If I ever get arrested I'm gonna request trial by combat.
I am totally the type of person that would fake her own death. So if news of my death ever gets around...be skeptical.
It would've been great if in the hunger games when Peeta touched katniss' braid she slapped his hand away and said 'stop that' and he just kept reaching for it and she kept smacking his hand
Although that may have ruined the tone of the moment.
I am suffering secondhand post-traumatic stress from fictional characters.
Robb stark and Jon snow....ughhhhh so attractive. I have a thing for British guys with their own manner of speaking and talent with a sword*...see also James McAvoy. They can get the business.
*unintended but appreciated double entendre
Richard madden is hotter than kit harington, but Kit harington has the cooler name, and I can't decide whether Jon or Robb is hotter. I cannot.
Sometimes when I'm talking about British things or watching a lot of British tv my British accent comes out and it's embarrassing.
It sucks when the only people in the world you truly love constantly lament the fact that you don't love them at all.
Painted clouds always look real and real clouds always look like paintings.
I want a pet otter. Since I can't have a direwolf.
Freckles sort of freak me out.
I have this idiotic habit of sleeping with my lower body turned the side, my upper back lying flat, and my head turned the opposite way as my lower body. I don't know why I find this corkscrew position comfortable but I always wake up cursing my unconscious body cuz everything hurts.
You know johns Hopkins is the top sex change hospital in the world?
I frequently have to do things multiple times due to my short attention span.
I don't like the timeline concept. The regular layouts are simple and easy to understand. Also I hate time.
I like my raspy voice when I just woke up.
Why have I never had everclear?
I miss going to interesting lectures. Checking my school email, I see dozens of lectures I would kill to go to/have gone to.
Alissa, I cannot read your xanga bc it has some sort of lock on it. Tell me how to fix this!
Cuddling. I am a fan.
My brother's been diagnosed as bipolar with PTSD. What could've caused the PTSD I have no idea...but of anyone I'm the most likely to have caused it. So that's. Troubling. To say the least.
I hate nude everything. Nude bras heels lipstick nail polish everything. I love colors too much.
Don't you hate it when you don't spontaneously combust when you want to?
Bri I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at myself. I hate myself so much for not being able to do things. I just want to be a person sometimes. And I can't and I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself so fucking much
I would be ok if I didn't let every damn thing get to me.
I used to never dwell on the past. I was adamant that regret and agonizing over stuff that happened already was a waste of time and energy, so I just didn't do it. I suppose I was more disciplined then bc now my brain does it nonstop and there's nothing I can do about it.
No, it's cool. I am nonjudgmentally happy for you and not at all bitter and lonely. I'm Sherlock, and I'm supposed to be alone always and that's ok. That's ok. That's ok. That's ok. Maybe if I say it enough.
Gaspard ulliel or however you spell his name is so pretty I could cry.
I think I need to stop agonizing over reaching out to my brother. If he wants me to be a part of his life, he knows where to find me. If not, he still knows where to find me. And I think that's the best I can do for him right now.
My worry has me so on edge all the time now. I can't take a full breath.
I've never in my life thought of myself as an ordinary, normal girl. Which is a good thing and a bad thing.
My dad said I've had a year to rest and think, so now I have to get my shit together.
My shit is so far from together.
youre my king & im your lionheart.
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| Wow I haven't written since February although I think I backdated that last post a few weeks. Well nothing has changed so why bother? Agh the punctuation and capitalization is different. I hate this! iPhone!
To feel unbearably old, read young adult fiction and realize that their birth years are several years ahead of your own.
For me, wearing dresses is 50% wanting to feel pretty and 50% not wanting to wear pants.
Semtex is a fun word.
Amy pond I'll miss you. Even though I don't watch your show. You were smoking hot and rory, i grudgingly admit, was too adorable and perfect for you.
Does anyone else get the urge to fight Canadian geese every time they see one? No? Just me? Ok.
Boston is my favorite place in the world and also my most hated place in the world. It sucks bc there's literally nowhere I'd rather live, I honestly cannot even try to picture myself anywhere else. But nowhere else makes me feel as nauseous with hatred and anxiety and depression either.
I feel resigned to play roles in a few people's lives with no life of my own. I've given up. But I cannot fathom a way to detach myself from the few who are fond of me so I will just answer when they call me and hug them when I see them and that will be who I am.
My anger is eating me alive
I have had about 1 short month worth of happiness in my life entire and I suppose that is more than anyone can hope for.
The fact that I will never be a spy breaks my heart. The fact that I will never be fluent in every language breaks my heart. The fact that I will never dance particularly impressively breaks my heart. The fact that I will never love or be loved by a mysterious boy breaks my heart. The fact that I will never attend a formal masquerade breaks my heart. The fact that I will never be that girl at the party breaks my heart. The fact that I will never have upper level security clearance breaks my heart. The fact that Sherlock won't start filming again til 2014 breaks my heart. The fact that I may never read the last Gallagher girls book breaks my heart. The fact that I am unwilling to meet new people, which inevitably will lead to my permanent solitude, breaks my heart.
The very possibility of applying to colleges at the same time as my brother makes me want to puke.
There are three types of people in this world. People who think I'm interesting, people who think I'm weird, and people who don't think about me.
trying to work up the social courage to send someone a draw something request is agonizing
Unpopular ops
The boy in the hush sound sings better than the girl
Ladybugs are gross
Breakfast at Tiffany's was lame
Edgar Allen Poe sucks
Sylvia Plath is horrible to read
Avocados ruin salads and maraschino cherries ruin sundaes
Horses aren't that cool
Jazz is great
heart to hearts never make me feel anything but worse
I would not marry Jim halpert
Call of duty is not even in my top ten
Anne Hathaway is not pretty
Donna is hotter than Jackie
Apocalypse now sucked
Tina fey is not photogenic
Britney spears is better than Madonna and lady gaga combined.
It occurred to me while I was walking in Boston in my toms and fully urban outfitters purchased outfit with my iPhone in hand complaining about whatever that at least one person I passed hated me instinctively. I would've.
I'm good with the people I have close to me. Like, I don't wish I had more friends. Quality over quantity. I do wish they were around more but whatever.
Harvard square is like my own personal haven. But I can't walk around there without wanting to kill everyone i see and myself.
I get so nervous in and around liquor stores.
I haven't felt this fat since my birth control pills made me gain like 6 pounds in 2 weeks.
Oh crappy tween spy fiction. I love you but I'm ashamed to be seen with you. You're so poorly written but I cannot quit you.
Alexandre desplat's music would gets its ass handed to it by Hans zimmer's music in a fight.
Jhutch looks better blond. He's not particularly attractive but he can rock a tux and his smile/laugh is magical. I'm legitimately confused by the amount of time I spend looking at gifs of him just laughing. Mesmerizing!
You cannot live your life for other people. Oh but you can, and you have to.
I spend a lot of time thinking about the things I would say to my brother the next time I got time alone with him. And then the time comes and I can't get any of it out and I leave the conversation hating myself and him.
Outfit compliments mean more when received from fashionable gay men.
Every time I wake up and my hair looks awesome for no reason or I do something independent like make myself a sandwich, anything that gives me the tiniest glimmer of pride or something to like about myself, it's like a ray of sunshine and a breath of fresh air. For a second. And that's so weird to me bc it just reminds me how much I hate myself and I used to love myself so much. I don't think I hate anyone as much as I hate myself these days, and that is saying something considering my username.
If my life is a book and I am it's narrator- which according to the way I think my thoughts and edit my conversations, is totally possible- I am so very sorry to whoever is reading.
It's not that I don't want help. It's that I don't know what I need it for. To help me do what? I don't know what I'm doing. But I know I don't like being told what to do. Impasse.
It's hard
Because I want to talk to you
But I hate myself so much
And I never walk away from our conversations without hating myself even more somehow
After I have assured myself I could not possibly feel worse.
I love prose written in poetic structure
It makes everything look prettier
And less time consuming to read
Fire me. I did it wrong. Is there a wrong way to live or have lived a life? I think I've done it wrong. Am doing it wrong. I am too tired and lazy to learn the right way.
I get sick with anxiety just thinking about things that have nothing to do with me. Like movies with unhappy endings or books where characters suffer or the fact that he and she would be so great together, why arent they? It makes me physically upset.
I heard Taylor swift's 'you belong with me' today and suddenly I understood gale and team gale-ers. And then I laughed bc that is like such a cheesy song.
I don't believe in soul mates. I think there are a couple of people out there I could be happy with. But I can't help but think one of them died in the civil war and another lives in some village in eastern Europe where no one speaks English and another is with some girl who isn't me but is good enough for him.
I hate my pillows. All my pillows. I have 6 and they all suck.
So the George lopez show (wow yes the George Lopez show) made me see really clearly that I am fucked if I don't go to college. And as much as I hate the system and school and work and everything about it, there is no avoiding it if I ever wanna live a real life. And that just made me realize how little I want to live life at all. I wish that there was an option where if you made a really good, convincing, solid case, and you were considered sane and serious by like a jury or board, you could apply for euthanasia.
At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet. This is one of my favorite love quotes. It's true, and while the reader in me weeps at the consequential billions of pages of terrible writing, I do think it's quite lovely. People in love say and think the cheesiest, most cliched things ever said or thought, but they say them as though they were the most profoundly true and beautiful phrases ever fathomed.
I'm totally fine with never self-actualizing. I don't mind that I may never truly appreciate the joy of helping others. It doesn't bother me that I don't care about future generations and that my life revolves around me. Who else is it going to revolve around? People suck. I suck, but I'm stuck with me. So I may as well be the star of my own life, if no one else's.
I think maybe I will fall in love when I meet a boy I could never get bored of. I get bored of people so quickly.
Tired isn't a good enough reason for me to sleep anymore. I have to be so exhausted I'm half asleep before I hit the pillow.
I'm definitely the only college aged girl who hates wine.
It is easy to be unhappy regardless of your circumstances. The people I've met with the apparent ability to be happy regardless...their trick tends to be professional faking or simply not caring about anything.
It is very easy sometimes to think that no one cares about anything, but I can tell you right now that isn't true. I care about whether my brother wants to kill himself and whether my sister is failing all her classes. I care about Sherlock and Watson more than most people care about their own families. I am a person who has been frequently described as unfeeling, uncaring, and ice cold, and I care about stuff.
I think a really great thing about hp that shows how huge it is is that 'I like Harry potter' can be considered a personality trait.
Something about me: Disney acapella arrangements are basically the greatest things ever forever.
Sometimes my own ships disgust me. Like how I think tony and effy would look great together. And jack/Liz. Ugh I don't even understand myself on that one.
Where are you, Jack? Jack? You're gonna kill me aren't you? Sigh. It's ok.
Liz Lemon you still have it despite a lackluster season so far.
...for the record, I knew rue and cinna were black. Agh Amandla whatserface is so adorable I want to keep her.
I never understood American idioms or sayings growing up and when swotty me asked what they meant I got laughed at so I learned quickly to keep quiet when I didn't understand. For example, up until some point in hs the phrase 'don't look a gift horse in the mouth' made no sense to me. What was a gift horse and why had I never heard of one? Why couldn't you look at its mouth? I pictured a magical unicorn thing that gave you presents unless you looked at its mouth at which point you'd go blind or something.
I want a twinge of enthusiasm from you. I know we don't talk much but you're still in my top three. Although I'd understand if I'm not in your top at all.
I know too much of the real world to think that running away would solve more problems than it would cause.
It sucks to love your family. Even if they are awful and cruel or stupid and destructive or just plain bad influences on your life...you cannot abandon them as much as you may wish to. That's how I'm sure I love them. And it sucks.
I don't believe everyone deserves a second chance.
Its been a year. I've lost the note of desperation in my chest for the most part, but in its place is just an empty, tired feeling. So not much better.
The idea of trusting someone enough to believe they love you enough to make you their first priority for the rest of your life is completely unimaginable to me. But I would like to get married someday. So that's a paradox.
I'm not sorry that instead of telling you what you want to hear I told you what I want you to hear.
"Being yourself requires the sort of courage that other people tend to mistake for conceitedness."
I suppose that's true. But sometimes 'yourself' happens to be an annoying dick.
I liked the hunger games movie. I thought they did a wonderful job with it and Jennifer Lawrence is just great in all the ways. It did remind me, though, of the awful feeling I had reading the book, so I'm back to the decision that I won't read the rest of them. That will change.
Mmmmm Cato.
So now I am alone in the club. And I have reason to be embarrassed cuz its a little weird now that I'm turning 20.
Ugh kill me please.
I wish I had friends in high enough places with loose enough morals that I could be put into a medically induced coma indefinitely. Or friends in France would be nice.
Some of the things I do are dumb. But I am not dumb nor have I ever been. I am deliberately reckless.
I am not a merciful person.
What has provided me with unbridled joy recently? Bartending tips. Going to see the hunger games. Getting my gov check for my taxes. David's letter.
Let's try this again for real.
don't apologize; i hope you choke and die.
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| there are very few things i feel guilty about in my life. i cant count on one hand...well i can count on one hand the times ive sent a person to the emergency room on way or another. but other than that i can recall very few things i genuinely feel bad about doing/saying. those hospital visits, yeah. the one time i bailed on bri. the time i followed one of my needlessly mean impulses and acted like a shitty friend to rose. every time ive ever wronged my little sister.
no one these days does guitar like the black keys.
nooo marina i liked your old look.
Brother dear, I suppose I love you sometimes maybe. I'm legitimately not certain. But I will always be there when you need me and we both know that, but just a reminder: the fact that you are going through hell does not make you any less of a prick.
Not to be that guy, but. You're not a broke college student unless you have to skip meals to pay rent and pawn your bike to buy textbooks. You're a regular college student.
I love cities, especially Boston. But being in the city instills this sense of excitement that comes with this additional sense of anxiety bc there are so many people. So while I love going there, it would prolly fry my nerves to live there.
I had a moment of clarity today. I concluded that I will never be happy and life is pointless. I've always known this, but I've always argued that there is unfortunately no alternative. Well between life and nothing I'm leaning pretty heavily towards nothing.
do you ever talk to or spend time with a person a lot, and every time you interact youre like, why am i with you right now? we arent friends. it is unnatural that we force ourselves to act like we are. like there are people you just know youre not meant to befriend, like certain coworkers or some mutual friends-of-friends. theyre acquaintances at best. you dont dislike them, but youd never go out of your way to hang out with them.
hey remember when chuck bass' dad died and he was a total mess of depression and acting out and not showering? that is the sexiest he has ever been. like fndsjakgsfhsjakl sexy. really. js.
i find it very unnerving when adults treat me like an adult. which is all the time.
when you think about it the movie business must be a little frustrating to be a part of. those people work months and years and millions of dollars on what ends up as a 90 min image on a chip or disc. like if you dont have a dvd player you have nothing to show for your efforts. except all that money i guess. im way into movies and tv, really, and yes entertainment serves a great purpose and inspires and touches hearts and shapes future generations and reflects values and lalala. i am the first to argue their merit. but in he scheme of things what they do matters so incredibly little, amounts to so little.
i love it when my mum has loud conversations with other people about how no one can make a half-decent living without a college education, and that she 'speaks from experience'.
not to sound obnoxious, but if anyone can make it without college, its me. although now and again the idea of never having a major again makes me nauseous, but not as nauseous as the thought of going back to school.
you know whats interesting? i have probably had more different peoples blood on me than almost all the people i know.
old episodes of house. i miss you so. wilson my love!
the way i see it, most people spend their life aiming for either perfection or happiness. and i have been perfect at a couple points in my 20 years alive. so my life has counted for something. my lackluster future does not negate the fact that i was once a successful person. and that is a lot more than a lot of people can claim.
i hate it when writers use too much omnematopeia. wow did i spell that right? or worse, when they make up their own. fithfithfithfithfith what noise is that supposed to be?
for all its tedious battle and strategy scenes, i had forgotten how easy it is to fall in love with these characters. although the awful thing about war books is that i get too into them and I get stressed and sad and pessimistic.
ive never borrowed a boys computer and failed to find porn. i never go looking for it; whatever I type into the search bar (g for google, f for facebook, t for tumblr) guesses some porn site first. boys!
there is no better feeling than falling asleep on a beach. maybe waking up on a beach.
oh hamlet, you and ophelia had such a great thing going before you lost your shit.
horatio is the greatest bro of all the bros.
sometimes someone youre close to says something that make you feel like you dont know them at all and you try to forget about it but you know you never will and it makes you really sad.
whoever thought children was a logical plural for child was high as a kite. i need to find some friends to talk to about weed who wont judge me or give me disapproving looks. Sara, if I visited you within the next couple months would you take me in/hook me up? let me know! ive been craving baltimore.
some brands are going overboard with spokespeople. the way it works is you get one big name to be the face. Dior has Mila and Keira and Charlize and Natalie, and revlon (sucky makeup btw) has emma stone and livwilde and who knows who else. no wait keira is Chanel. right? yes bc shes my favorite and Chanel is also my favorite. Keira cannot play sweet for the life of her.
to reiterate: in panic mode my excuse for everything is 'im allergic!'
sometimes i get the overwhelming urge to cry over fictional or hypothetical things. like fred or finnick or robbie turner. or the fact that i dont have wings and ill never be a pirate. these are things that upset me on a regular basis.
you know what bothers me to the point of irrational anger? When I see or words written as our words. like color or flavor. i know our is the english way and its perfectly correct and not offensive bc why the hell would it be but thats just the reaction i have.
a moment of silence for how smoking hot tom riddle was before he became voldemort.
i liked kind of a funny story, even though i broke my rule of 'never watch a movie with a roberts in it'. it was...unbelievably relatable for me. when i enjoy cheap entertainment like that it makes me feel like a jerk for looking down on people who get a lot of joy out of crap, like the twilight series or taylor swifts music. like, whether you get your feels from mozart or roman sculpture (whatup david) or reality television or hipster tumblrs that write cliches on the backs of receipts...wherever you get it. what gives you your bits of happiness shouldnt be judged. and yet it tends to be the main thing people judge. i guess that is the best way to size up a person though, by what gets them their kicks. my point though.
sometimes the gravity of what ive done this past year hits me all of a sudden and i have a panic attack.
like what am i going to do? seriously?
i need to have an experience.
i am so self-indulgent. but isnt that what im here for? to indulge? maybe?
im the only person i know that gets bored mid-sentence or mid-convo and just stops talking.
i hate talking to people. about things.
you have certain friends you talk to about certain things. and that you do certain things with. like you wouldnt talk to friend a about x, cuz thats something you talk to friend b about. and you would rather take a trip to providence with a and b because of whatever reason. just the type of person they are and the type of things youd enjoy doing with them. and then you come up with something no friend you have is suited to do/ talk about. or they dont have time. whatever. and even though you have friends you still feel like you have no one to talk to and no one to spend time with.
everyones on break now. my whole life is break. and yet im miserable!
the reason i am prone to addiction and obsession, obviously aside from genetic factors no doubt at work, is bc i was an exceedingly apathetic child and in middle school I discovered I could escape apathy by immersing myself in things like hp and tv and it wouldnt require any social interaction, which has terrified me as long as i can remember.
i am trying very hard not to care whether the universe ever notices me.
that awkward moment your brother finds out you know about their blog and then confronts you about it. maybe if i ignore him the problem will disappear. as per my flawless life motto: ignore the problem until it makes you insane.
i hate stressing out over people and/or things i hate or dont care about. which is 99% of what i stress over bc i stress over everything.
why have i not seen 10 things i hate about you til now? heath ledger ahhhh.
i am quite lucky my interaction in real life with boys with accents has been severely limited bc im a mess around them.
seriously my standards arent high. have an accent. be male.
ugh im gonna be as hopelessly single as emma stone in the help. her hair is atrocious in that movie.
brandon flowers sing to me always.
ive never really had all that much in common with the people im friends with; i tend to be the quirkier one of my friendships and thats fine. sometimes i feel really lonely and unrelatable in that aspect, though.
as painful as its going to be, im going to read the rest of the hunger games. i think. if i can gather the strength. my reason for not reading them is basically, i dont want to go back there. its not a world i enjoy being in. but you know who else doesnt want to be there? katniss. peeta. most everyone there.
so i downloaded an app that mixes mission directions and the sounds of zombies chasing you into your music playlists while you run. you have to run faster according to how close the zombies sound. ive been running 40 minutes a day so far! to be fair i got it two days ago but ive never exercised before so this is miraculous. figures it would take a zombie apocalypse to make me want to get in shape.
tumblr is full of both the greatest/coolest/funniest people in the world and the absolute worst.
one of my only happy memories from hopkins is sitting on the library steps and reading tina feys book in the sunny/windy spring.
i wanna see the hunger games but i have no one to go wiiiiith.
tax money is not enough to get me to paris. but my entire life savings so far is. but then what.
i wish i had the human level of serenity that allowed me to do things and go places alone without dying.
someone told me the other day that i looked like winona ryder circa beetlejuice. which was part compliment bc i mean, shes gorgeous, and part subtly reminding me i was having a bad hair day.
boston, i love you. i wish you werent so expensive to hang out in.
its normal to worry youre going to die alone, especially if youre a teenaged girl. but when your entire family (parents, siblings, extended... i kid you not) starts expressing such concerns for you, it sort of sets the worry into panic mode.
at 19 years old i regret almost my entire life and dread the rest of it.
you know, i used to love writing in here. and i loved reading my old entries even more. im pretty sure im one of the only vain blogger teens who likes reading her own complaints and rambles. i dont like to so much anymore. not enough epiphanies here anymore. just a whole lot of self-loathing.
the emotion, it was... electric.
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| im an unapologetic taker.
theyre making a monsters inc prequel!!
i am appalled that it is 2012 and the primary mode of transport isnt jetpacks/hovercrafts yet.
in environmental camp the counselors didnt like me bc i orchestrated all the group activities single-handedly. after we accomplished everything theyd be like 'see, you couldnt have done that if you hadnt worked together' and some kid would be like 'dianna could have'.
ethics ruin science.
only 20% of laughter is from jokes or humor. the rest is just social lubricant. fascinating.
Things could be worse. You could have cancer or be starving in Africa etc etc
This junk does nothing to give me perspective. You know what does? Hey. You could be that dad from bicycle thieves. You could be a hunger games tribute. You could be meryl streep in sophies choice. You could be John Watson.
I've never been in a potato sack race. Sounds fun.
who said drive wasnt a good movie? i enjoyed it quite a lot. ryan gosling is sexier than ever and...i cant think of anything else. maybe it wasnt good and i couldnt see past the haze of ryan gosling. no! i think it was good. yes. oh ryan gosling, you are so my celebrity crush.
weird soundtrack tho.
omg jake and amir is the greatest.
you know whats so miserable? my glory days are behind me, and i was miserable during them. i didnt even for a second think school would be my peak, like it is for attractive idiots or sporty guys not good enough to make money off it after hs. or like, 'popular kids'. like in the movies. but it is, it was. it was my high point and i hated it. that fucking sucks.
i dont like my hair lately. which is very very very bad bc my hair is literally The Only Thing about myself that i am confident and always happy about. if i lose it. i have nothing. less than nothing.
i want a twitter just so i can follow disneypixar. not a good enough reason, i hate twitter too much.
if my conscience took a physical form...im not sure what it would be. male. exasperated. dumbledore-y in his wisdom but well-aware he will be ignored 95% of the time.
how incredible would it be to fall for a composer? like a good one. like hans zimmer or alexandre desplat or yann tiersen. im on a big yann tiersen kick lately.
you know whats annoying? when patients try to fill the awkward silence while youre trying to listen to their heart or check their breathing or take their blood pressure. yeah the silence is awkward, for you. not for me. youre only extending it by talking over your internal organs. be quiet.
the problem with people is that everyone thinks they are the exception to the rule.
starfish freak me out. they can move but they dont have faces! that is creepy as fuck.
wouldnt it be awesome to have a pet google? like this simple helpful thing that was there whenever you needed it. and you would wake up some days and it would be wearing some silly outfit for some obscure holiday youve never heard of.
oh amélie. love that movie. i wonder if french people ever catch a waft of the romanticism that other cultures assume french people have in their everyday lives. i hope so.
fun fact: the house in up started out with 10297 balloons.
one of my favorite things about america is that you can move here from anywhere, refuse to learn the language, bad-mouth it 24/7, and identify yourself not as an american, but a proud member of your former country. you absolutely have the right to do that and that is wonderful. that always reminds me that as limited as freedom is, it is greater here than anywhere else.
honestly, unless youre timothy spall, any dude with a british accent can get it without trying very hard at all.
in college i had a crush on this kid names sanjay in my writing class. which was when i realized for certain that my interests in the opposite sex arent racist. plus one for dianna!
when you get down to it, most people agree that being a cynic is one of the worst things a human being can be. and that is absolutely true. and i am very self-aware that i am easily in the top 5 if not number one on everyones list of most cynical people ever and i know (because i am a cynic) that i will never change that.
but, i am also a romantic and a dreamer. an even worse combination tbh. it makes you depressed and impossible to talk to bc, and anyone i talk to can testify to this, my response to any and every course of action is 'but what if x happens' or 'but then y' and i never do anything except in my head, where ive done everything in every way to the tune of every possible and impossible outcome.
positive qualities...i have pretty hair. im thin. i have a not terrible singing voice. im smart and articulate. witty compared to most people. i appreciate the little things. i am definitely a kid at heart. i have the mind of a poet. im neat. i am interested in things. i have a large vocabulary.
sometimes i have to remind myself there are a few things about me worth liking.
i
want
panera
right
now
we'll take manhattan wasnt bad at all. karen was gorgeous. i honestly dont even know if shes a half-decent actress bc im always distracted by how beautiful she is. it was not a waste of time! which is saying something. i had less than high expectations for a tv movie.
ah thats like the third random indie this week ive watched this week that ive been pleasantly surprised by! its so nice finding good ones, 99% of them suck so hard.
bbc sh is the most fully developed interpretation of sherlock ive seen. james wilson is the most fully developed watson.
when i check the weather at night and nothings really happening in terms of precipitation or cloudiness it just shows stars and darkness for the illustration. thanks, iphone. good to know the forecast for tonight is night.
if youve never loved someone or something so much it makes your eyes water just thinking about it even when youre doing laundry or getting the mail, i cant fathom why you live at all if not to find something to love.
you know how a lot of people have that one thing they can watch or read or listen to or think of that will always get them crying without fail? like for 'recreational crying' as ive heard it called. when youre in the mood to cry, which is a mood people get into apparently. ive found mine! ive found my thing! well its a combination of things and i have to focus but its worked every time so far. me, the girl who does not/cannot cry. this is excellent. im not sure why but it is.
ive always had a thing for balconies, bridges, bay windows, roofs of builldings, cliffs. anything that gives you a bit of an urge to jump.
people are just people. they shouldnt make you nervous. im hoping if i keep repeating this itll quell my anxiety.
how did my monday become waking up at 3pm and watching a cake baking reality show marathon until 10pm?
i feel like my brain is melting.
to add to the non-existent bucket list: learn how to make a daisy chain.
ive seen bats lots of times but i cant help but regard them as mythical creatures. like theyre so weird looking.
where can i get that white mary poppins dress..?
i want to wonder and muse all day every day. that is my dream job.
that postsecret this week about the person who bought a second toothbrush so they wouldnt feel so lonely broke my heart. i think bc if i ever manage to live on my own i totally see myself doing it.
every time it flits through my mind that dating websites are the norm now and not just for weird unattractive weirdos i get the urge to burst into tears.
my deadly sin is always a tie between pride and wrath. either way i am not to be crossed.
music box music is either sad or creepy.
i would like a peanut butter milkshake. specifically a peanut butter moo'd but since i dont live in ny and i think thats the nearest jamba juice that isnt happening. ooh or that caramel seasalt shake thing at paper moon. i cant even remember what it tasted like but i remember being blown away.
shut the fuck up there are jjs in boston. shit. allow me to reevaluate my life.
i think one of my fave book-to-show parallels in sherlock is how they turned 'im lost without my boswell!' to 'im lost without my blogger!' 1800s or not, there had to be johnlock shippers even then. i hate that book!john gets married and leaves 221b so early in their friendship. the day mary morstan is cast will be worse than reichenbach.
the hunger games is a very good book with awesomely-written action scenes and some of the best developed characters ive read. it was very upsetting to read and i have no intentions of reading its purportedly more distressing sequels. also i cannot get over my horror at the premise of the games, although i do suppose that is the point.
my brother is desperate to convince me to read the rest but. i found this awful and destructive and upsetting and i know they get worse and everyone dies and katniss, i just want you to be happy and i dont see that happening. i just want someone to be happy. my brother says the appeal is that its realistic but even in realism someone somewhere is happy. it isnt realism or romanticism. its just terrible.
I'm going to meet the same fate as Sherlock Holmes. My friends will get married and my intellectual inferiors will succeed professionally and I will be left to brood over a violin and cocaine. Well not a violin.
I should start smoking a pipe.
I can't think of a real person I've ever properly related to. I only empathize with fictional characters.
Oh season one Rachel green, I know exactly how you feel. Except you are beautiful with a large group of friends more supportive than the 7th heaven family. And you live in ny. But as it has been said, you can change the scenery all you want but that won't change the situation.
i havent slept in days. im so tired but my dreams are so stressful and distressing. arent dreams supposed to be the things you want to escape to? shouldve known even sleep would ruin itself for me eventually.
Oh god I'm coming up on a full year.
Helena bonham carter how do you get your hair like that? I know I can do it I just dunno how.
Broadway is easily the most challenging medium of performance. And the most overtly impressive.
I think one reason I love bbc Sherlock so much is that he's a cross between book!sherlock and Sheldon cooper. Also ben's eyes are unreal, I could look at them all day. In fact I do sometimes.
hey you. i say you bc i know you read this. not that youre not cool or whatever but i would be totally cool if we never spoke again. just extending that option. pretty sure weve both gotten what we can out of this friendship anyway.
carry on my wayward son starts off as such a good song. and then it goes on and on. its not even that long a song but it seems to go one for always.
google, i love you. i dont love any website but your homepage on holidays and other random days of signifigance gmh.
i want to use that abbreviation bc i just recently found out what it stands for.
i fucking hate wearing glasses now. i thought getting new ones would fix this problem but i hate these just as much if not more. but i dont want to wear contacts bc my nails are too long to take them out and besides, wearing them to do nothing all day feels like a huge waste of money.
if i was getting married ali would be my maid of honor. that nerd is my lifeline. i wouldnt let her plan anything bc i mean, shes 11. but the title is all hers.
prolly the strangest thing I've ever gotten tangled in my hair is a kitten.
I'm going completely and utterly insane. I'm too young to be this bored.
i havent complained about my brother in a while have i? i hate having even a pleasant conversation with him bc its like im on the edge of my seat with every sentence. is he gonna say something completely out-of-the-blue cruel...now? ...now? after this sentence, for sure, hell snap bitchily out of nowhere. this one. whoa this is going well i better quit while im ahead. literally my train of thought every time we exchange words. and yet he wonders why we arent close anymore?
everyday i do literally nothing but breathe and occasionally check tumblr on my phone. sometimes i text rose. every so often someone in my family will bring me iced tea bc my mother is convinced im dying of dehydration.
my room is a disaster. somehow ive convinced myself that after i clean my room, ill actually try living again. after my clothes are sorted. after i put up my glow stars. after i mail david his gifts. after ive regulated my sleeping pattern, after i am able to walk around for longer than two minutes without being so dizzy i need to lie down again. after ive relearned how to be human i can work on being a person with a life.
i dont see this happening anytime soon.
the theme of the dismal movie rabbit hole was parallel universes. it makes scientific sense, and its nice bc it does provide some delusional measure of comfort to the atheistic. in some parallel universe im still at hopkins and doing well. in another ive pulled a sylvie and decided to try and make it somewhere completely on my own. in another i have a serious boyfriend in the city, in another ive killed myself, in another im addicted to drugs, in another (maybe in the same one) ive moved to colombia. one of me got a desk job in the military bc id never be suited for combat in any universe. some version of me is still set on being a doctor and another spends all her time writing and another is doing propwork on broadway hoping i have a shot there. one has seen paris, one has overcome her fear of the ocean, one told joey i was in love with him during state testing in hs, one has been arrested for whatever reason. theres got to some form of me thats happy, i hope. or will be.
i loved 50/50. it was so sweet and genuine and it was the first time ive ever actually looked at jgl as being a legtimate actor.
my dad has always told me that if he ever gets really sick, like cancer or something terminal, he wont say a word about it to anyone. this makes me worry every time he goes to the doctor and really angry that he wouldnt tell me or my mum, but thinking about it seriously, that is absolutely the right way to go about it if you dont want people to get weird around you.
im keeping a journal of literary quotes i love. it has a key i am constantly losing bc i hide it so elaborately.
that fucking terrible moment you realize you are all the worst parts of your favorite characters and lack absolutely all of their redeeming qualities.
my depravity knows noooo bounds.
lost at sea. that describes this pretty well. im not starving and i can send and receive letters. but i dont know where i am or where im going or how i got here and im afraid of the ocean and my compass is broken and my maps have gone blank and ive forgotten what land looks like.
do you think well be in love forever?
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| motions even if it kills me acoustic ep has the prettiest album cover.
i need new glasses. im getting stupid hipster ones, idc.
i dont like listening more than i like talking. i like thinking more than i like talking more than i like listening.
i remember when i was first learning about the moon cycles in fourth grade and i thought how boring and unimportant it was bc i dont care about tides or the environment or outer space so its really just a huge mess of whogivesafuck for me and besides, i never kept track of the phases. when i looked up at the moon it was whatever it was and that was that. these days i find myself keeping very careful track of it for no reason.
it is sort of rude of nature to make stars prettiest on the coldest nights of the year.
dannys finally got his own place.
im so dizzy all the time.
lana del ray, youre pretty but...im not a fan.
bellatrix knew the weasley family well enough to know fred and not george was the one who died like 2 hours after the fact. and the only spell hermione ever had trouble with was the patronus charm. i always think little things like this that speak volumes about their characters are unintentional but maybe they arent.
t-mobile lady. your pink dresses are beautiful and i want them all.
i hate my dreams lately. i want dreamless sleep.
i hear whipped cream flavored vodka tastes better than alcoholic whipped cream. but the whipped cream comes in flavors like chocolate so i still want both. also i want hp drinks. and candy. im hungry.
i want ihop. and joes. and food. but im nauseous lately so i cant actually plan to go or even think about the food without wanting to puke.
i love graph paper. i want a pretty notebook full of graph paper.
technology has made me so lazy. i dont text or type anymore, i just talk to my computer or phone and it types for me. the fact that i have to type on xanga is baffling to me.
my shampoo decisions are 95% based on how it will make my hair smell.
harry potter is forever the best parts of me. not a very large part of me is good, but what little there is has hp all over it.
marriage material tv charas:
rory williams, doctor who
john watson, bbc sherlock
phil dunphy, modern family
chandler bing, friends
eric foreman, that 70s show
james wilson, house
leonard hofstadter, big bang theory
jim halpert, the office
all i want is good skin and a doctor that doesnt talk smack to my rents. and a dude i actually like.
you know whats cool about a blog that sucks about a therapist? the blog listens. the blog lets you word things the way you want. the blog doesnt force you to elaborate or stay on topic when you dont wanna talk about that anymore. the blog doesnt make you analyze what you just said or ask you how that made you feel. the blog doesnt charge money.
im so pumped for sheldon and amy (oh my god i just wrote penny on accident) to have sex. its going to happen and its going to be hilarious. it may even beat new girl for most awk sex scene in a show ever forever.
your random fact of the day is: after a failed acting career, the girl in blair witch now farms weed for a living.
this will sound really...idk, annoying for lack of a better word, but ive known my brother was gay since he was like...4.
arsenic, cyanide, hemlock, belladonna. organic poisons have the prettiest names.
i will never not love military-inspired clothing. but i will never love how stiff it is to wear and how lazy i am about breaking it in. gah i hate breaking in clothes. i try to get around it by stretching it and washing it and abusing it but i put it on and its still like putting on a paper jacket.
me dmsing is literally like a pregnant woman in a comedic film created to terrorize all men. like the worst. i dont think the world could ever handle a pregnant dianna. i know i couldnt.
pretty sure no one in her/his right mind would ever say no to sex with zac efron. its like saying oh, you know whos attractive? brad pitt. thats not an opinion to be stated. its a given fact. yeah he needs to shave his face and cut his hair and lay off the douchey accent but there are some people that are simply mathematically hot.
my life is a series of left turns at busy intersections with no green arrow.
what does it mean to take or not take yourself seriously?
i hate all things school and work but there will prolly never be a time in my life i can just walk by the office supplies aisle of a store without the impulse to buy everything. i have stacks of notebooks and index cards i just bought bc i wanted them but have no use for.
the brady bunch only had 5 seasons? why was that show such a big deal?
for years i thought fonzi from happy days was the same person as the dude from grease. whose name escapes me.
there are few types of people more homophobic than a preteen boy subconsciously realizing hes gay tbh.
i hate when teenagers put the bell jar on a pedestal like they do other teenage books. no book has ever made me more miserable. its not just another suicidal teen book, its a real suicidal person book written by a legitimately fucked up human being and its not meant to be relatable like other 'youth' novels.
i cannot summon the courage to watch the fall.
my foolish weakness for books with cool covers (hell yes i judge/buy books by their covers) has led me astray once again. the curious incident of the dog in the nighttime was awful.
i was flipping through the channels and usa was doing their fri night house marathons so i watched since i havent since 13 got out of jail, whenever that was. cuddys gone, foremans dean of medicine, the team is gone, house nearly got murdered in prison. somehow this steadliy worsening show got even worse. and then i saw the case and went through the diagnoses and tried to figure it out and i remembered why i liked this, and then i saw the usual bit of house trying to get wilson to forgive his wrongs and be his best friend again, and wilson being all 'i hate you youre the worst and well never be friends again', and then the last second reconciliation, and i remembered what i lovedddd about it, and i missed it a little.
im always comparing the different interpretations of sherlock; who acts it better, whose version is truer, funnier, more interesting, more fun to watch. who does the sherlock/watson dynamic best. and as much as id love to say bbc does it best, theyre all brilliant and wonderful and the best thing ever. i will allow that bbc is the best-acted.
sherlock. i cant. not fangirl 'i cant gasp flail gahhh' although thats definitely there too. the only thing ive ever loved as much as i love sherlock is harry potter. im still mourning the character deaths in hp. i am tired of mourning fictional charas. its exhausting and it makes me feel stupid on top of it. sherlock has been literally the only thing that makes me smile in weeks and i dont want to lose it. i cant lose it.
also. stupid but, no movie or tv show or book or song has ever made me cry and i know i KNOW this will ruin it.
whats worse is that even though some people ~know~ me they will still roll their eyes and say 'its just a show dianna' and its not. it means more to me than you do, than my very own problems do and thats why it makes me happy and youve known me always and you still shrug it off and it just infuriates and frustrates me.
even worse than that is that i wont watch the episode but i will still listen to sad music and curl up into a ball of depression and yeah thats no different than usual dianna but sherlocks kept me manic for a week and here i go again and i am sick sick sick of my life.
and people can smile and remind me of that follow up story where his death was faked! and they have more adventures and its all good but the fact is that arthur only wrote that bc of public pressure and we all know how it really meant to end.
sometimes i think it would be cool to have thought bubbles appear in real life but i think that would pose a safety hazard in a lot of situations. also i would reach up and slap at them whenever i walked by people.
most people think anne frank was really inspiring and wonderful cuz of all she went through and she ended her diary still thinking people are good deep down. i just think she was a completely naive idiot.
why does a quote sound so much wiser and more profound when its in a speech bubble coming out of a birds mouth?
i dont use enough exclamation points in here. its like in my top five fave punctuation marks. semicolon is number one.
sometimes i hate writing in here.
its like when im talking to someone and im venting and opening up and its all good at first bc its about specific things but then it kind of snowballs into me venting about my life in general and i cant eloquently articulate how shitty everything is and i get angry and frustrated and sad and i feel whiny and stupid and self-pitying and then i hate myself for opening my mouth in the first place. and besides, no one knows how to respond to any of that. it just makes them uncomfortable, or worse, they try to relate and tell you things will be ooooookay.
i need an internet vacation. that would be a much easier goal to accomplish if i hadnt just gotten an iphone.
i dont wanna get over you.
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